Tag Archive | Optimist

Upswing to a Downswing

IMG_20150702_001321I’ve been off soul searching and discovering for the past little while– and let me tell you it’s been a difficult process. About four years ago, I was clinically diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It’s not something I often share with people, but every once in a while I find someone who I can connect with you, and share a few options for people.

The 23rd year of my life has been quite the rollercoaster– with getting a concussion, being in two car accidents and to being let go from an employer, it has been a ride. With my 24th birthday around the corner, I’m getting excited to make this year come to an end. But I think this year has taught myself and the people around me many things.

Patience, it is the most important thing. I’ve tried just about everything to not get back into the darkest space in my mind. I’ve tried medications, I’ve tried those medications but on higher dosages– both of which were a no go. I’ve tried going to two different therapists, (which has been proven to be successful in my past) but they did not fall through this time. I have tried new job after job, only to my find my anxiety controls my feet everyday. It’s been the longest process, and I’m not ashamed of where I am today. After my second therapist really left a number on me, I woke up and said today I’m going to do it MY way. I followed my routine, guarded myself around others, slept the right amount, ate the right amount. I am kicking this feeling to the curb. I don’t know how, but I am.

People around you will struggle with this daily as well, you’re not in this battle alone. My friendships and relationships are a constant fight for the greater. I do not mean physically fighting, I mean the internal fight for the best thing. I will continue to do so, daily. You will see it more often than not the “Upswings” and the “Downswings”. The “Upswing” is that high feeling you get from life. You find the joy in each day, love fully and have the clearest vision. The “Downswing” is lull you get, when you’re trying to catch up to everything and it’s all blowing past you, leaving you far behind. I believe my 23rd year was the a downswing, and 24 is fast approaching and I can feel my gears starting to pick it up a notch.

Struggling with severe depression and anxiety is an everyday battle. I often wish I got credit for getting out of bed, or that someone could validate my feelings for me. But unfortunately, I don’t have that. I want everyone who struggles with the common things in life, to know it’s such a great accomplishment to be able to do the smallest things. Hell, I can drive my car alone again! and I’m not scared to do it. I am getting there, bring me my upswing. I’m ready for it.

I use a nifty little site called “Big White Wall”, it’s an open forum for people just like me. We can speak freely about what we feel, and honestly it’s been great. The support I don’t have here with me daily– I get it from there.

There is always an “Upswing” after a “Downswing”, I can’t tell you how long you’ll be waiting, but it will happen. I’ve been waiting for about a year for this moment, and it’s here.

-M.M

 

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Binge Watching Sex and the City

I’ve had some extra time on my hands lately, and my first thought with that was “I should binge watch Sex and the City”. If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching that series, it is quite hilarious.

The first time I watched the show, I was a teenager and although I thought I could relate to it, as you get older that “relatable” title really takes the crown. Also- for those of you who think it’s a show just about sex, it’s more than that.

Although my life may not be as glamourous as Carrie Bradshaw’s, with her shoes and her handful of gorgeous men. The conversations between her and her friends, and experiencing your twenties-or in their case, their thirties- is the most relatable part of all. Something that takes part in every episode is the groups casual conversations at brunch. The constant wonder of “Why?” “What’s next?” and “Where does that leave me?” are the most relatable. Carrie Bradshaw has her foundation in her friends, the rest of the parts are just accessories.

So WHY do we worry? Why do we work ourselves up everyday for no reason. As someone who constantly lives in their head, why should I do that when I do have a good life? I don’t have the things that Carrie Bradshaw has, in fact I have it a lot easier than her. BUT yet we still worry, and ask all our friends for whatever kind of advice to solve some mediocre problem.

WHATS NEXT? Well how the hell am I really supposed to know that? When I was a teenager I wanted to be everything and anything in between. I had a conversation with my sister a week ago- and she told me we group up in this society with all these pressures. Go to school, get married in your twenties, own a house and have babies. Yes, that is what I wanted, and everyday I beat myself up that I still have to rent an apartment. But let’s be serious- I’m 23 almost 24, I don’t need to own a home. I do NOT need to be putting this internal and external pressure on myself to have it all together. If it happens, it WILL happen. And I’m not going to rush or push it.

So, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME? I’m honestly not quite sure. I’d like to say have these little realizations from time to time would leave me feeling more fulfilled. But nope, in fact it leaves me a little lost. But optimism is the key point. Goals are good, but drastic goals are too much.

At the end of every episode, Carrie always makes a statement at the end. What I’ve gathered from those, is that almost all of them end on a optimistic note. A sound of hope and at the end of the battle the girls each faced. You can be an optimist or a pessimist. You can make that final call. Most days I am the sarcastic pessimist, but today I’m choosing to be the optimist. Although it isn’t easy, it’s a work in process.

-M.M