Tag Archive | Life

Upswing to a Downswing

IMG_20150702_001321I’ve been off soul searching and discovering for the past little while– and let me tell you it’s been a difficult process. About four years ago, I was clinically diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It’s not something I often share with people, but every once in a while I find someone who I can connect with you, and share a few options for people.

The 23rd year of my life has been quite the rollercoaster– with getting a concussion, being in two car accidents and to being let go from an employer, it has been a ride. With my 24th birthday around the corner, I’m getting excited to make this year come to an end. But I think this year has taught myself and the people around me many things.

Patience, it is the most important thing. I’ve tried just about everything to not get back into the darkest space in my mind. I’ve tried medications, I’ve tried those medications but on higher dosages– both of which were a no go. I’ve tried going to two different therapists, (which has been proven to be successful in my past) but they did not fall through this time. I have tried new job after job, only to my find my anxiety controls my feet everyday. It’s been the longest process, and I’m not ashamed of where I am today. After my second therapist really left a number on me, I woke up and said today I’m going to do it MY way. I followed my routine, guarded myself around others, slept the right amount, ate the right amount. I am kicking this feeling to the curb. I don’t know how, but I am.

People around you will struggle with this daily as well, you’re not in this battle alone. My friendships and relationships are a constant fight for the greater. I do not mean physically fighting, I mean the internal fight for the best thing. I will continue to do so, daily. You will see it more often than not the “Upswings” and the “Downswings”. The “Upswing” is that high feeling you get from life. You find the joy in each day, love fully and have the clearest vision. The “Downswing” is lull you get, when you’re trying to catch up to everything and it’s all blowing past you, leaving you far behind. I believe my 23rd year was the a downswing, and 24 is fast approaching and I can feel my gears starting to pick it up a notch.

Struggling with severe depression and anxiety is an everyday battle. I often wish I got credit for getting out of bed, or that someone could validate my feelings for me. But unfortunately, I don’t have that. I want everyone who struggles with the common things in life, to know it’s such a great accomplishment to be able to do the smallest things. Hell, I can drive my car alone again! and I’m not scared to do it. I am getting there, bring me my upswing. I’m ready for it.

I use a nifty little site called “Big White Wall”, it’s an open forum for people just like me. We can speak freely about what we feel, and honestly it’s been great. The support I don’t have here with me daily– I get it from there.

There is always an “Upswing” after a “Downswing”, I can’t tell you how long you’ll be waiting, but it will happen. I’ve been waiting for about a year for this moment, and it’s here.




Social Media Blues

I don’t know about you guys, but lately I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed by social media. Instagram lately has nothing but engagement posts, marriage pictures or baby pictures. Twitter has nothing but Trump news- which is all too much already. Facebook has become such a different domain than it’s original intentions. All of these things have me questioning whether or not I want to have social media.

I am a avid user of all three of these sites, and I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with them. When I say people are posting all these beautiful photos of their life, I am genuinely happy for these people- definitely. But the other day I found myself sad scrolling threw my feed, and that was a newer feeling.

I had brought this up with my boyfriend saying ‘Why aren’t we travelling over the world?’ and ‘When is it my turn?’. I quickly realized how crazy I sounded and attempted to turn it around, but that pang of jealousy creeped over me. I was so caught up in these people’s magical lives that I fail to realize that they post the best version of their selves. And no, I don’t just mean the picture selfie that there’s 100 different versions of it. I mean, they post what they want the rest of the world to see. So those perfect pictures we all see and “Like”, well there’s so much more to it.

I find it ridiculous that I call myself jealous of these people, hell I’m sure there could be people jealous of my little cat mom life. So WHY is the world like this now? What happened to us that we get so involved with things we really don’t have any attachment to.  I started using Instagram to show people beautiful things- or things that just made me happy. Somewhere along the lines, it has become this huge place to keep your tabs on people you know or used to know and show boat your life.  Sort of what Facebook used to be when we were younger, but this seems more progressive.

It wasn’t until the other day when I had that conversation with my boyfriend, that I realized how much of an affect social media had on people. I was very affected by it, and was feeling quite harshly towards myself. So I can only imagine that people who haven’t had this wonderful little epiphany, what they’re going through.

Your life is so much more than your social media life.



Summer Days

20414000_10159465528200157_986390665154093923_oSo as most of us are quickly realizing, today is the first day of August. My thoughts consume of ‘Where the fuck did summer go?’, ‘Why am I still not tanned?’ and ‘What have I been doing?’. I always used to find it annoying when I would hear people saying, “Time is going by so quickly”, but now I’m realizing they are not wrong.

Summer used to be a goal for us, it meant relaxation and freedom. Perhaps for some those things still apply, but for many it’s just any other season. We still work, we still have our daily routine and most times we don’t get a chance to escape reality.  When I was a kid, every summer would be a new adventure. It didn’t mean that it had to be exploring half way across the world, but it was something I looked forward to.

I was sitting out on my balcony this morning, little to the traffic and the birds. And I felt more relaxed than I had in a while. I heard the kids laughing while they headed to the park and it reminded me of my summer youth.

Everyday was spent outside; whether it was at the park, jumping on a trampoline, swimming in a friends pool. Everyday was lived how we wanted it.  I look at myself, and wonder what I’ve been doing. My days off are spent cleaning- maybe doing laundry. On the hottest of days I spend it inside watching a show on Netflix. But why? I can tell you that’s probably why I’m not tanned. You cannot get tanned lazing on your couch all day, just saying.

I think we often forget how fortunate we are to experience the beautiful things in this world. We get to experience four different seasons, all with their faults of course. But each one brings us some happiness to our lives. Making the most of your summer though, doesn’t require you to quit your job, or spend all your money. It could be as easy as sitting outside on your balcony listening to the sounds and feeling the sun brush your skin. Maybe it’s taking a walk through the park with your favourite person. Make it what you want.

This is just a reminder that we can still feel the same things we did as children. We can feel the same sort of freedom and relaxation. This time shouldn’t be spend dwelling on the adventures we could have and don’t have because we don’t have the copious amounts of time, or the endless amounts of money (Our parents money). Make them happen, go for it.  Life isn’t expensive if you make it that way.  Enjoy your August.


Turning 23

2017-01-11 02.16.18 1.jpgMore often now, the world freaks out about the age of twenty. But, when your twenty you’re in the midst of universities hands, you’re eager to get out and see what your next big new chapter is. You’re so close to getting out, that your biggest goal consists of finishing that last final and handing in that essay. When you’ve hit twenty-three you wonder what in the hell you’re doing with your life.

You probably will bounce back to that retail job you had in high school, maybe move home with mom and dad, who knows. I remember being thirteen thinking that by the time I was the glorious age of twenty-three, that I would be head of my career. I would probably be married and maybe have a nice starter house. Hell I would be thinking about a family. You know what I’m thinking about now? When is the next pizza night, and where is the wine because I totally thought we had one bottle kicking around.

My best friend and I have decided that twenty-three is just the ugliest number. It’s not fun, no one truly cares about the age. As Blink 182 says, “No one likes you when you’re 23” they are not wrong. When you’re twenty you think, “Oh my god I’m in my twenties!”. When you’re twenty-one you say, “I can drink in the States now!” and when you’re twenty-two you have that ridiculous song “I’m feeling 22” by Taylor Swift to have as your theme song for a fucking year. But, twenty-three is just ugly.

I jest about the number twenty-three, but really it IS just a number. It doesn’t define where we should be or who we should be. I was thirteen, I was in love with Indiana Jones what did I know? And yes, I was in love with Indiana Jones, not Harrison Ford. In my mind they were two different people, because ten years ago Harrison didn’t look like how Indiana did.

Twenty-Three is just that awkward number. You’re passed the fun phase of early twenties, heading into that weird middle area. Everyone around you is starting to become highly successful, getting married and having kids. So many changes, and again there are a few like me that are still looking for that pizza.

Everyone is their own twenty-three, hell my mom was married when she was twenty-one. I think people need to know the world just works with you at  your own pace. You create your own story and paths to take, and twenty-three will be as good as you make it. Here’s to trying to make twenty-three better? Yes, better.