Tag Archive | Effective

Upswing to a Downswing

IMG_20150702_001321I’ve been off soul searching and discovering for the past little while– and let me tell you it’s been a difficult process. About four years ago, I was clinically diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It’s not something I often share with people, but every once in a while I find someone who I can connect with you, and share a few options for people.

The 23rd year of my life has been quite the rollercoaster– with getting a concussion, being in two car accidents and to being let go from an employer, it has been a ride. With my 24th birthday around the corner, I’m getting excited to make this year come to an end. But I think this year has taught myself and the people around me many things.

Patience, it is the most important thing. I’ve tried just about everything to not get back into the darkest space in my mind. I’ve tried medications, I’ve tried those medications but on higher dosages– both of which were a no go. I’ve tried going to two different therapists, (which has been proven to be successful in my past) but they did not fall through this time. I have tried new job after job, only to my find my anxiety controls my feet everyday. It’s been the longest process, and I’m not ashamed of where I am today. After my second therapist really left a number on me, I woke up and said today I’m going to do it MY way. I followed my routine, guarded myself around others, slept the right amount, ate the right amount. I am kicking this feeling to the curb. I don’t know how, but I am.

People around you will struggle with this daily as well, you’re not in this battle alone. My friendships and relationships are a constant fight for the greater. I do not mean physically fighting, I mean the internal fight for the best thing. I will continue to do so, daily. You will see it more often than not the “Upswings” and the “Downswings”. The “Upswing” is that high feeling you get from life. You find the joy in each day, love fully and have the clearest vision. The “Downswing” is lull you get, when you’re trying to catch up to everything and it’s all blowing past you, leaving you far behind. I believe my 23rd year was the a downswing, and 24 is fast approaching and I can feel my gears starting to pick it up a notch.

Struggling with severe depression and anxiety is an everyday battle. I often wish I got credit for getting out of bed, or that someone could validate my feelings for me. But unfortunately, I don’t have that. I want everyone who struggles with the common things in life, to know it’s such a great accomplishment to be able to do the smallest things. Hell, I can drive my car alone again! and I’m not scared to do it. I am getting there, bring me my upswing. I’m ready for it.

I use a nifty little site called “Big White Wall”, it’s an open forum for people just like me. We can speak freely about what we feel, and honestly it’s been great. The support I don’t have here with me daily– I get it from there.

There is always an “Upswing” after a “Downswing”, I can’t tell you how long you’ll be waiting, but it will happen. I’ve been waiting for about a year for this moment, and it’s here.

-M.M

 

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Oh the Joy of Writing

2017-05-26_02.14.12.jpgIt’s a wonderful feeling when you actually begin to feel inspired isn’t it? The words pour out and your fingers never stop typing. That is until you hit that magical ‘What the fuck’ moment. What the hell am I writing?

I have about three different journals, all used for different purposes.

  1. I have the “Everyday Journal”. I document the feelings of happiness and sadness. Nothing inspirational, Just the ‘I hate the world’ kind of crap.
  2. Then, I have the “Memories Journal”, and yes I know what you’re thinking. It does differ from the first one because these are long lost memories and that sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of. This journal has no specific dates, just feelings and the memories and impressions it left behind.
  3. Lastly, I have my “Inspiration Journal”. This guy is the most messed up one of all. It adds both the “Everyday” and “Memories” journals together. But, it twists those events into some other version of the truth.

Every piece of writing is important, and I know from my works. The best part is combining all three of those journals into my pieces. You grab the feelings of today, take the situation of three years ago and create a whole new ending.

But why is it so hard to create something so appealing? Time and time again, I find myself inspired in the wee hours of night writing monologues. Only to find the next day my crazy idea was horrendously written.

In university I had to write monologues every week for my playwriting class. I spent countless amount of hours trying to please my professor, and she was never pleased with anything I wrote. She wanted more every time. Specifically one time, I was asked to write a piece on a relationship, whether it was a romantic relationship or a family one, it needed to feel real. I wrote the monologue in ten minutes, and I thought it was the worst piece I’d ever written. It was jumbles of words thrown together, raw emotion. My professor loved it, and for the longest time I couldn’t comprehend why.

I understand now that it was my writing, it wasn’t edited five times over. I didn’t delete any words. I just wrote, and felt every emotion. I created this gorgeous piece just from allowing myself to give in to it. Yes, it might have been shit. But she saw the wheels turning in my head somehow. She knew I was headed in the right direction, she saw something I didn’t see at the time. Potential.

That all being said, I often delete word after word until I think it fits correctly. But, drafting has been the biggest process of it all. Your first write, certainly won’t be your last. It’s a draft for your next bigger and better idea. I have a whole damn journal full of my drafts.

Just remember, it’s always a little bit of yesterdays emotion, last year’s memory and also your own creative spin.¬†These three steps have inspired me through out the last couple months, and yes it’s a rough process. But everyday is a new inspiration and perhaps someday they’ll be blended together into something better and stronger.

-M.M