Tag Archive | Depression

Upswing to a Downswing

IMG_20150702_001321I’ve been off soul searching and discovering for the past little while– and let me tell you it’s been a difficult process. About four years ago, I was clinically diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. It’s not something I often share with people, but every once in a while I find someone who I can connect with you, and share a few options for people.

The 23rd year of my life has been quite the rollercoaster– with getting a concussion, being in two car accidents and to being let go from an employer, it has been a ride. With my 24th birthday around the corner, I’m getting excited to make this year come to an end. But I think this year has taught myself and the people around me many things.

Patience, it is the most important thing. I’ve tried just about everything to not get back into the darkest space in my mind. I’ve tried medications, I’ve tried those medications but on higher dosages– both of which were a no go. I’ve tried going to two different therapists, (which has been proven to be successful in my past) but they did not fall through this time. I have tried new job after job, only to my find my anxiety controls my feet everyday. It’s been the longest process, and I’m not ashamed of where I am today. After my second therapist really left a number on me, I woke up and said today I’m going to do it MY way. I followed my routine, guarded myself around others, slept the right amount, ate the right amount. I am kicking this feeling to the curb. I don’t know how, but I am.

People around you will struggle with this daily as well, you’re not in this battle alone. My friendships and relationships are a constant fight for the greater. I do not mean physically fighting, I mean the internal fight for the best thing. I will continue to do so, daily. You will see it more often than not the “Upswings” and the “Downswings”. The “Upswing” is that high feeling you get from life. You find the joy in each day, love fully and have the clearest vision. The “Downswing” is lull you get, when you’re trying to catch up to everything and it’s all blowing past you, leaving you far behind. I believe my 23rd year was the a downswing, and 24 is fast approaching and I can feel my gears starting to pick it up a notch.

Struggling with severe depression and anxiety is an everyday battle. I often wish I got credit for getting out of bed, or that someone could validate my feelings for me. But unfortunately, I don’t have that. I want everyone who struggles with the common things in life, to know it’s such a great accomplishment to be able to do the smallest things. Hell, I can drive my car alone again! and I’m not scared to do it. I am getting there, bring me my upswing. I’m ready for it.

I use a nifty little site called “Big White Wall”, it’s an open forum for people just like me. We can speak freely about what we feel, and honestly it’s been great. The support I don’t have here with me daily– I get it from there.

There is always an “Upswing” after a “Downswing”, I can’t tell you how long you’ll be waiting, but it will happen. I’ve been waiting for about a year for this moment, and it’s here.

-M.M

 

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Social Media Blues


I don’t know about you guys, but lately I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed by social media. Instagram lately has nothing but engagement posts, marriage pictures or baby pictures. Twitter has nothing but Trump news- which is all too much already. Facebook has become such a different domain than it’s original intentions. All of these things have me questioning whether or not I want to have social media.

I am a avid user of all three of these sites, and I don’t think there’s really anything wrong with them. When I say people are posting all these beautiful photos of their life, I am genuinely happy for these people- definitely. But the other day I found myself sad scrolling threw my feed, and that was a newer feeling.

I had brought this up with my boyfriend saying ‘Why aren’t we travelling over the world?’ and ‘When is it my turn?’. I quickly realized how crazy I sounded and attempted to turn it around, but that pang of jealousy creeped over me. I was so caught up in these people’s magical lives that I fail to realize that they post the best version of their selves. And no, I don’t just mean the picture selfie that there’s 100 different versions of it. I mean, they post what they want the rest of the world to see. So those perfect pictures we all see and “Like”, well there’s so much more to it.

I find it ridiculous that I call myself jealous of these people, hell I’m sure there could be people jealous of my little cat mom life. So WHY is the world like this now? What happened to us that we get so involved with things we really don’t have any attachment to.  I started using Instagram to show people beautiful things- or things that just made me happy. Somewhere along the lines, it has become this huge place to keep your tabs on people you know or used to know and show boat your life.  Sort of what Facebook used to be when we were younger, but this seems more progressive.

It wasn’t until the other day when I had that conversation with my boyfriend, that I realized how much of an affect social media had on people. I was very affected by it, and was feeling quite harshly towards myself. So I can only imagine that people who haven’t had this wonderful little epiphany, what they’re going through.

Your life is so much more than your social media life.

-M.M

 

Binge Watching Sex and the City

I’ve had some extra time on my hands lately, and my first thought with that was “I should binge watch Sex and the City”. If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching that series, it is quite hilarious.

The first time I watched the show, I was a teenager and although I thought I could relate to it, as you get older that “relatable” title really takes the crown. Also- for those of you who think it’s a show just about sex, it’s more than that.

Although my life may not be as glamourous as Carrie Bradshaw’s, with her shoes and her handful of gorgeous men. The conversations between her and her friends, and experiencing your twenties-or in their case, their thirties- is the most relatable part of all. Something that takes part in every episode is the groups casual conversations at brunch. The constant wonder of “Why?” “What’s next?” and “Where does that leave me?” are the most relatable. Carrie Bradshaw has her foundation in her friends, the rest of the parts are just accessories.

So WHY do we worry? Why do we work ourselves up everyday for no reason. As someone who constantly lives in their head, why should I do that when I do have a good life? I don’t have the things that Carrie Bradshaw has, in fact I have it a lot easier than her. BUT yet we still worry, and ask all our friends for whatever kind of advice to solve some mediocre problem.

WHATS NEXT? Well how the hell am I really supposed to know that? When I was a teenager I wanted to be everything and anything in between. I had a conversation with my sister a week ago- and she told me we group up in this society with all these pressures. Go to school, get married in your twenties, own a house and have babies. Yes, that is what I wanted, and everyday I beat myself up that I still have to rent an apartment. But let’s be serious- I’m 23 almost 24, I don’t need to own a home. I do NOT need to be putting this internal and external pressure on myself to have it all together. If it happens, it WILL happen. And I’m not going to rush or push it.

So, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME? I’m honestly not quite sure. I’d like to say have these little realizations from time to time would leave me feeling more fulfilled. But nope, in fact it leaves me a little lost. But optimism is the key point. Goals are good, but drastic goals are too much.

At the end of every episode, Carrie always makes a statement at the end. What I’ve gathered from those, is that almost all of them end on a optimistic note. A sound of hope and at the end of the battle the girls each faced. You can be an optimist or a pessimist. You can make that final call. Most days I am the sarcastic pessimist, but today I’m choosing to be the optimist. Although it isn’t easy, it’s a work in process.

-M.M

Depression, The Big Enemy.

PhotoGrid_1495345129612.jpgOh depression. Where to begin, where to end. Well, it all starts different for everyone. And everyone deals with it in a different way as well. I wish I could say I’ve overcome this deep depression, but everyday is a continuous battle.

I went for years with no help, no guidance and it lead me know where. It wasn’t until, I was pushed just the tiniest step where I could finally see the path ahead of me. I’ve tried medication, although I was hesitant at first the first time around it was beneficial. I’ve also tried therapy, and honestly that was the best decision I ever made. Having someone impartial to the situation, allowed me to open up much more freely and comfortably. There are so many things that need to be there for you in order for your recovery to any sort of happiness though. And most of all, it takes time. Lots and lots of time.

  1. You are note alone: I know it’s annoying to keep reading these things. And I get it, you feel alone. Hell I feel alone 98% of the time, and I am surrounded by my loved ones constantly. I get it, it doesn’t make a difference. But look at the big picture, you have friends or a significant other. Maybe they don’t see where you’re heads at most of the time, but tell them. Telling someone or anyone is a step in the right direction. And when you do, you WILL be on their minds. Trust me, they won’t ignore you.
  2. You have to find motivation: I was explaining to my boyfriend my lack of motivation, for me I have a hard time pushing myself to do physical activities that I love. I know I feel guilt when I have plans with someone and I know I will let them down if I can’t make it. So when I’m out, and I’m being social. I remind myself that I MADE IT out.¬† Something motivated me to get there, so that tiny little piece can push me that much further in the right direction.
  3. Be Social: Don’t be a hermit, it’s not okay. Shower, get yourself together and go be social. I haven’t had many issues with this because I am a social girl to begin with. But, I do have a lot more anxiety towards being social now.¬†Maybe it’s hard for you to go and socialize with your friends in a public setting. When I feel down, I call my mom. I’m extremely fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with her. But, whenever I’m feeling anxious I give her a call. I tell her that I’m upset, but I don’t want to talk about that. I always say I want to hear something happy, give me a story. And she does exactly that, and for a minute it’s like it feels right. No one trying to pester me to figure out how to fix me. Just, genuine conversation. Some days that minor social interaction is all I need.

Depression never gets easier, but it isn’t who you are. I can only say a few things here and there in this topic, because everyone is different. But once you see a bit of path ahead of you, follow it.

Sometimes we can’t see tomorrow, or a year from now. But look how far you’ve come, maybe it hasn’t all been great, sure. But who is to say that the next great thing isn’t down the road? It could be tomorrow. Optimism is important, and although we don’t see it as much as we should. It’s always still there. There’s always a tomorrow.

-M.M